


Guess Who

by qianwanshi



Series: Dreams [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, M/M, Tony POV, kind of a five times fic, nosey bros tony & steve, poor exasperated bruce, the best bro natasha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 05:10:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8191435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qianwanshi/pseuds/qianwanshi
Summary: Tony finds something odd that belongs to Clint in the tower, now it's up to him to determine why Clint would be reading a book about babies.(Part of the Almost Home series)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Aka five people Tony (and Steve) thought that Clint got pregnant as they make, admittedly, pretty shabby detectives. 
> 
> Think of this as like a chapter 7.5 of Almost Home, which has had an unfortunate lack of Tony so far. It's more or less un-beta read so some mistakes might be expected.

1\. “So I found something highly suspicious under one of the couch cushions today.” Tony approaches Steve and Bruce where they sit at the kitchen table together, probably eating their old man plain oatmeal and chatting about news headlines and kids these days.

The highly suspicious item drops onto the table between them.

“This belong to either of you?” Tony asks.

“What to expect from your baby’s first year.” Steve’s eyes go wide as he reads the words aloud. “Someone is having a baby?”

Bruce looks surprised, but doesn’t react with the speculation that Tony had come searching for.

“This seems like something private,” he says, gently. “Especially if you found it hidden.”

“Inside of the couch is not hidden, it’s abandoned,” Tony insists. 

Steve looks uncomfortable, but definitely interested. Good, Tony will need him on his side, Bruce will be more likely to join in on investigating if mister morals Steve is there.

“I just think we should maybe leave this be…”

Tony is used to Bruce shooting his ideas down. He expects it half the time. This feels different, though. This isn’t just another ‘this is a bad idea’ squirm, this is more of a ‘please stop talking about this topic’ squirm.

“You know who this belongs to, don’t you?” Tony presses. He knows he hit the nail on the head when Bruce goes quiet.

“You do?” Steve sounds so shocked, poor thing.

Bruce hesitates even more, visibly struggling to find the words he wants to say. “I… do. I think.”

“Would you like to share? Or will I have to ask Jarvis who has been around when I’m out of the lab?” Tony doesn’t typically use Jarvis as a threat, and no one needs to know that Jarvis wouldn’t tell him _anyway_ unless someone was in danger. He might be a snoop, but he still respects privacy.

Steve looks alarmed by the very idea. Tony can already see the speech about spying on friends and morals loading up inside his head. 

That's when Barton enters the room. He meanders through, looking groggy as he throws together a downright massive cup of coffee. Only once he's taken his first drink does he seem to notice anyone else is in the room. He turns and nods in greeting to everyone, but stops when his eyes catch the book on the table.

“Hey, I thought I lost this,” he says. He reaches out and slides the book off the table, shouting a thanks over his shoulder as he wanders out again. 

Steve looks impossibly even more alarmed than before.

“Does Clint have a baby??” He asks, looking lost. 

“I didn't think so!” Tony hates not knowing more details than everyone around him. “Bruce seems to have an idea, though.”

Bruce raises his hands in front of him, already shaking his head.

“I had an idea who the book belonged to. I don't know about anything else,” he insists. Tony heavily suspects that he's a dirty stinking liar.

“If Barton is reading about raising a baby,” Tony pauses to really soak in the horror of his next thought. “He got someone pregnant and we need to find out who it is.”

“Tony,” Steve starts in his disapproving Mister America tone. “I don't think we should be prying into our friends’ lives.”

“Boring!” Tony jeers. “And it's for the good of the team! If there's a tiny baby Barton out there somewhere, don't you think that changes things? Don't you think we should know?”

Steve looks like he's giving the idea consideration. Bruce does not, but he's a dirty liar who knows the truth, Tony is sure of that.

“Plus I'm really _really_ curious,” Tony admits finally. 

“I don't-” Bruce starts to say.

He's interrupted when Natasha strolls into the room. She must have just come from the gym, a light sheen of sweat is on her face and neck and her curls are pulled back into a bouncy ponytail. She grabs a water from the fridge and leans on the counter. 

“Has anyone seen Clint yet today?” She asks with the bottle pressed against her neck. 

“He came by a minute ago, I think he's in his room,” Steve answers kindly. “Hey, do you-” Tony interrupts him by way of sharp elbow in rib. 

“Do I what?” She looks between Tony and Steve, eyes narrowed. 

“Nothing!” Steve actually squeaks like a kid in trouble. 

Natasha stares a second longer, but seems to decide it's not worth her time. She tips her water bottle as a goodbye, and leaves, trailing casually down the hallway away from them. 

A second of silence passes, Tony leaning back in his seat watching to make sure Natasha is completely gone. Bruce seems baffled by his behavior and Steve looks like he’s anticipating a sudden attack. Tony gestures toward the hall Natasha had just disappeared in, mouthing words too excitedly to be understandable and pointing to his stomach. Only once he creates a half circle from his body does it finally click in everyone else’s mind.

“Good lord,” Bruce groans. His head drops into one of his hands. Tony is pretty sure he's rubbing one of his temples already. It's not even ten am yet, this has to be some kind of record. 

“No, definitely not.” Steve’s eyes are wide. “We've been sparring, she wouldn't be fighting with me if she was- would she?!”

“Don't encourage him,” Bruce mutters under his breath.

“Heard that,” Tony says. “Too late, I'm encouraged.”

“Natasha is not having Clint’s baby,” Bruce responds as clearly as possible.

“Well, someone is.” Tony huffs. “They’re always together.”

Bruce levels him with a serious look. “She’s not. They don’t have that kind of relationship.”

2\. Two weeks later, the subject is all but forgotten to the insanity of their daily lives. Not completely gone from Tony’s mind, but kind of on a backburner. Really, really far back.

That is, until Steve approaches him in the hall one afternoon and with a jerk of his head points them both in the direction of an empty office.

“What's up? What's with all the silent gesturing?” Tony asks. It's unlike Steve to be so shifty. 

He even looks shifty now that they're standing together in private.

“Have you spoken to Maria Hill lately?” Steve asks.

He had to drag him into a room alone for this?

“Looking for a date, cap?” Tony jokes. “I don't think you're quite her type.”

Steve’s irritated look is ‘no’ enough that he doesn't even have to say it aloud. 

“I saw her this morning briefly and she was looking pretty…. green.”

When Tony doesn’t immediately catch onto his meaning, Steve sighs and elaborates.

“She looked sick? Nauseous. This morning.”

Tony gasps. Oh shit. 

“Oh shit,” he says. 

“I mean, I'm not saying it's her, but…”

“It would make sense,” Tony agrees. “They've worked together, they're friends. She's a little terrifying but maybe he's into that. I'll look into it.”

\--

Early in the evening, Tony sends Steve a text:

**I'm telling everyone at the next press event that Captain America can't tell the difference between morning sickness and food poisoning. Bad oysters.**

3\. Thor is in town! Which is great news because Thor is always an endearingly kind oddball and he adds one more number to the little research team that Bruce stubbornly refuses to be part of. They filled him in on the situation and he seems downright gleeful at the idea of a team baby. 

“If you have determined that it cannot be our friends Natasha or Miss Hill, have you considered anyone else?” He asks very seriously. 

“We don't know very many women,” Steve says. 

“Really next to none,” Tony agrees. “It's sad.”

“How has Miss Potts been recently?” Thor asks kindly. 

“Fine? She's busy, we see each other when we can,” Tony answers slowly, unsure where this is leading. 

“Have you considered that perhaps she is the one with child?” Thor suggests. 

Tony huffs angrily several times, nostrils flaring, unable to make any of the connections necessary in his brain to tell Thor to fuck off with that idea. Steve looks like someone smashed him in the face. 

“You'd better be really careful with that you're suggesting here,” Tony finally managed. “The only reason I haven't punched you is because it would break my hand.”

Thor laughs loudly, head thrown back and everything. How dare he.

“I apologize, I didn't mean to imply any infidelities had occurred, of course they wouldn't,” Thor reassures them. 

“Of course,” Tony agrees haughtily. 

Steve nods along, obviously trying to not look shaken. 

“I simply meant that perhaps Miss Potts is with child and has gone to Clint as a confidant,” Thor elaborates. “The book you found could mean he is learning in order to help her.”

Tony swallows around the ball of terror in his throat. 

“It couldn't be her. We’re very. We make sure.” He can feel his face going pale. “She would tell me.”

“I think it would be cute,” Steve pipes up happily. Shut up, Rogers. 

“Shut up, Rogers.”

\--

The very idea is ridiculous, Tony repeats to himself hours later. Thor doesn't know anything. It wouldn't happen, and she certainly wouldn't keep it a secret from Tony but tell Clint. And Steve! Saying ‘it’s cute’ like an idiot. There's nothing cute about babies. 

So he finds himself on the floor of his and Pepper’s shared bathroom that night, cabinets emptied of cleaning products, shower things, soaps and shampoos. There are no signs of any pee-stick test devices, thank god, though Pepper is way too smart to leave that lying around. 

Kneeling surrounded by bottles and peering into their trash can is how Pepper finds him when she enters the bathroom. She stops in the doorway and scans, taking in the disaster.

“Tony, what is this?” She asks. Endlessly patient and perfect as ever. 

“I thought I saw a bug,” Tony tries. 

Pepper sighs and disappears. 

\--

Tony climbs into bed next to Pepper who finally is out of work mode, away from screens and looking relaxed. 

He's quiet for a long while, unsure how to bring up the topic, something he rarely struggles with. She rolls over with this soft little smile and she's just. She’s so. If anyone would understand him asking, it would be her. 

“Pep,” he starts. “We've talked about kids before, right?”

Her smile falters a bit, undoubtedly thrown off by Tony voluntarily bringing up what is widely known to be his Least Favorite Topic. 

“Yeah,” she nods. “We have. Why?”

“You haven't had any recent change of heart, have you?” He asks.

Pepper looks even more confused by the question. “Have you?” She asks, voice raising in surprise. 

“God, no,” Tony says, almost too quickly. “I just- it's something stupid Thor said.”

“I really don't see room in our lives for a kid right now,” Pepper says very plainly. 

Tony can't hold back his sigh of relief. He doesn't want to either. “You'd tell me? If something happened though, right? Not someone else?”

“What is all this about?” Pepper finally asks, sitting up properly in bed.

4\. “Okay, here's what I think,” Pepper announces the very next morning to everyone minus Clint and Natasha. After their conversation the night before, Tony had had no choice but to fill her in on the situation, from the book to Clint to the investigation. Clearly she had spent her relaxing hours considering the many possibilities of who could be carrying the Barton Sapling.

“Clint has a secret family.” She stands tall and proud, watching the room soak in her words. Even Tony can’t fully hide his shock with blind support.

Thor manages to recover first. Aiming for politely confused, he asks for some elaboration.

“I’m not pregnant,” Pepper says. “Thanks for considering. No one else we know is, as far as we've been able to tell. So, secret family, they probably live somewhere safe and they're expanding, so that's that! He's reading about babies.”

“I don't like it.” Steve looks serious, head resting in one of his hands on the table.

“I actually agree,” Tony says. “Sorry Pep. It's just too convenient. It's not plausible.”

Steve looks at Tony like he spontaneously sprouted another head. “Not as a plot device, Tony. I don't like the idea that our friend and teammate would hide something like that from us.”

Oh, right.

“I don't like it either,” Pepper agrees. “But that doesn't mean we can rule it out.”

“When would he even have time to make a family between each weekly crisis we deal with here?” Tony points out. 

“Would it be possible in a world with as much surveillance as this one?” Thor asks genuinely. 

Steve gestures toward the point, agreement plastered all over his face. “Right! Wifi, NSA, CCTV, would they even be able to pull that off?”

“It's not impossible,” Tony says. “They could be very off grid. Pepper might be onto something, we could look into it.”

“I'm not spying on my friend.” Oh, there's grumpy Steve. “We could just ask him.”

5\. “No, Tony, I haven't asked yet. Why haven't you?” Steve is irritated again, days later, by Tony’s pestering.

“Because it was your idea,” Tony hisses. “And because there's no polite way to ask someone if they secretly have a family hidden away somewhere.”

“What are we whispering about?” Natasha whispers suddenly next to them. 

Tony doesn't jump, okay, there was a fly on him and he was trying to shake it off. That's all that happened. 

“It's not nice to sneak up on people,” he does his best impression of Steve’s scolding voice. It doesn't seem to work very well on her. He doubts it works on her even when it actually comes from Steve. 

“Well it's silly to have secretive conversations in the middle of a community area,” Natasha responds immediately. “Who were you talking about?”

“No one,” Tony answers at the same time Steve says “Clint.”

She latches onto that, eyebrows furrowed and all playfulness washed from her face. “What about Clint?” She asks. 

“We found something of his,” Steve says and the same time Tony tries again with “nothing.”

Tony sighs loudly. “First sign of any heat and you spill the beans, is that it?” He directs at Steve. “Come on, man.”

“There was a book about babies,” Steve says. He shrugs at Tony’s exasperated look right after. “We think the team deserves to know if he’s having a baby, especially if it’s with… someone else we know.” 

Natasha looks like she knows exactly the road he’s going down and her eyes narrow into a glare. 

“What makes you think he’s having a baby?” She asks skeptically. 

“He claimed the book pretty quickly.” Steve shrugs. “Why else would he have a book about babies?”

Natasha rolls her eyes. Tony knows she’s smart enough to see the connection they made that very first morning they found the book. Clint + book = baby leading to Clint + Natasha = baby.

“Clint hasn’t made any babies and he _certainly_ hasn’t made one with me, okay?” Natasha is surprisingly patient sounding, not angry in the slightest, not that she ever really shows it. “You can stop trying to figure it out.”

“We weren’t-” Steve cuts himself off before he can back himself into a corner. No one gets away with lying to Black Widow.

“Even he noticed you were looking,” she interrupts him before he can try again. 

Well this is anticlimactic, isn’t it. All that hunting and there’s not even a baby to be seen. If Tony is being honest, it’s a relief to actually have it confirmed. No one is having a baby, he’s not going to have to build a nursery somewhere and go through the background checks required to hire a nanny. He supposes Natasha’s story makes sense, except for-

“What’s with the book, then?” Tony asks. “I mean Clint isn’t exactly a bookworm normally, and now he’s reading about babies.”

Natasha looks, if possible, even more tortured the longer she has to stand around and talk about this. “Don’t ask me about the intricacies of Clint’s mind, please, I don’t know as much as you’d assume I do.”

“I just like to read, guys,” Clint pipes up from a doorway across the room. He has another book in his hands, something with a gutted looking car on the cover. “About things I don’t know about already. Babies are pretty far out of my skillset, so why not.”

That…. Tony can respect that. That’s a habit that many great minded people he knows possess. Bruce is always reading in on the latest in experimental physics and chemistry. Tony himself knows the challenge of tackling a subject that is completely unknown to him. Maybe Clint’s choice of subjects are a bit more blue collar than his own, but it’s the same thing at heart, he supposes.

Just, god, as long as there aren’t any actual babies.


End file.
